Make This Go On Forever
by HPnLOTRrox
Summary: LilySeverus fic. I got the idea for this from the Snow Patrol song of the same name.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I got the idea for this after listening to Snow Patrol's song by the same title. I instantly thought of Lily and Severus when I heard it. I'm going to try to keep it cannon and it's going to go from immediately following the scene we see in the OOTP chapter Snape's Worst Memory up to the first book with Harry's arrival at Hogwarts. Starts off in Severus's POV but might visit Lily's POV in later chapters. Let me know what you think. Hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything even remotely relating to the world of Harry Potter.

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Oh, Merlin. What have I done? Why did I say that? I didn't mean it. She must know that. Lily knows I didn't mean it, right? Oh no…she's crying…what have I done? I run after her, all my thoughts about Potter and his stupid friends being pushed aside for now. I finally catch up to her as she's running in the direction of Gryffindor tower.

"Lily, wait, please." I plead with her. She turns towards me, tears streaming down her face.

"I have nothing to say you Severus," she says in a barely auidable voice.

"Lily, please," I grab her hand to prevent her running away.

"Please, just listen to me. I'm sorry. Please don't turn this into something it's not. I know it was wrong, it was stupid, I know. I'm sorry. But, I didn't mean it, you know I didn't."

I knew I had immediately said the wrong thing. Her eyes widened and she wrenched her hand from my grasp.

"Don't turn this into something it's not?! You called me a mudblood, Severus. And in front of everyone! You humiliated me! I thought I meant more to you, I thought you loved me! If you didn't mean it, why did you say it? Is that what you really think of me, Severus? You think I'm below you and all your new little friends?"

Her words stung as if she had slapped me, I had never thought of Lily as a mudblood, I didn't mean to call her that, I didn't mean to call her anything. It just slipped out. I do love her, she's the only brightness in my entire pathetic dim life. She was my first friend and the only girl I've ever loved. She's the only one for me. She has to know I didn't mean it. It was just a mistake, besides we both agreed it would best if we kept our romance under wraps. Our friendship alone hadn't been well tolerated to say the least, ever in all the years we've attended Hogwarts. I didn't mean for the word 'mudblood' to slip out just to say I didn't need her help. I don't know why it came out, I've never and will never think of her that way.

"Lily, please, please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. It just kind of slipped out; you know we can't tell anyone about us, I didn't mean it. You must believe me."

"It slipped out? It just slipped out; you're referring to me as a mudblood just kind of slipped out did it? You know what? I don't need this, leave me alone Severus, I don't want to talk to you, in fact you know what? We're done. I should have known this would happen especially when the guy who's supposed to be my boyfriend wanted to hide our relationship from everyone, what kind of love is that? I should have known you were really ashamed of me all along and that that's how you think of me. Well, thank you for showing me your true feelings."

"Lily," I reached her hand again and she shoved it away. "Lily, please, just listen to me." She glared at me and crossed her arms but she didn't run away from me so I continued. "I know it was wrong, and I don't think of you that way you know I've never thought of you like that. You're one of the most talented witches I know; you're the best in our year. I do love you, it's just safer for us both to keep our relationship low key, and you've seen how our friendship has been tolerated over the years. Potter and Black hex me sometimes just for talking to you. You're right, all the guys I've been hanging out with lately have been bad for me, they're not my real friends, and you've been right all along about them. I don't even like hanging around them, I'm going to stop ok? I promise."

"You said that last week, Severus. You said last week that you were going to stop hanging around them and it hasn't happened yet. The only reason you spend any time with them is because they offer you extra protection from everyone else. Oh yeah, and you are and have always been intrigued by the dark arts! You shouldn't be meddling in stuff like that Severus, especially with Voldemort's power growing. Do you want to be in league with someone like him? Because that's exactly where this little gang is going to get you. Also, I've always stood up for you, you're not the only one here who's gotten less than appreciative feedback from our friendship. I get picked on and hurt too, but you know what? I've never let it get to me because I loved you, you were my friend before we even came to Hogwarts."

"Yeah well, you know what Lily? While yeah, you've been picked on for being my friend from day one, you haven't had to endure all the hexes I have for being friends with you. Or received numerous detentions for retaliating when it was usually Potter or Black who hexed me first while they found some conniving way to sweet talk their way into a lesser punishment or out of it completely, no one's hung you upside down and showed your knickers to the entire class just for existing, not to mention what Potter's done to me because you've always rather hang around me and not give him the time of day. Every time I try to fight back I just get in more trouble and they get off almost scott-free every bloody time and it's not fair! And no, I don't want to be on the dark side! I don't want to follow the dark Lord and you should know that! You should know me better; you should know I would never do that. And I promise this time I really will stop hanging out with all of them. I swear I will! Please, I don't want to loose you."

"Can't you hear yourself? You just called him the dark Lord. What's with you if you don't want to follow him why are you calling him that?!"

"I don't want to follow him! I've just…I've just gotten so used to hearing everyone else refer to him as that it, it, it just…"

"Slipped out? It just slipped out?"

I couldn't say anything. I simply hung my head and tried my best to choke back the tears that were threatening to fall. What had happened to me?

"Seems a lot of stuff you say lately is just slipping out. I knew this was what would happen when you found all your new little friends. They've been encouraging you to stop being with me haven't they?"

I didn't say anything, I couldn't. I just stood there, like an idiot.

"Well? Haven't they?! I heard them talking to you the other day that you needed to stop following 'that mudblood Evans around everywhere like some sick puppy dog'. Don't deny it, they've been trying to get you to stop talking to me altogether haven't they?"

My throat was stuck; I couldn't do anything but nod my head. 'I've lost her.' I thought, 'I've lost her.'

She stepped away from me, shaking her head in disgust.

"I can't believe you, Severus, I don't know who you are anymore, you definitely are not the boy I became friends with all those summers ago."

She turned and ran in the direction of the Gryffindor tower and I didn't stop her. I was rooted to the spot. I couldn't think straight, I had lost everything good in my life with the useage of one word. I don't know how I can make this up to her. I've got to find a way. I've never felt worse in my entire life than I do right now. I made the only person I've ever loved, cry. Not only did I make her cry, I made her hate me. I've got to find a way to fix this. A way to make it up to her, I turned and made my way to the Slytherin dormitories without even really realizing where my feet were taking me. I walked into the common room, without even bothering to look up or stop when all of my new 'friends' rushed to me, congratulating me on calling Lily what I did and making her cry. I just walked through the group of 'friends', and ignored the pats on the back. In fact, at the moment I would have loved to hex their arms off, I thought with a sneer. I went straight to my bed and closed the curtains around it. I cast a charm to make sure no one would open them and put a silencing charm on them as well. Then, I cried as I hadn't cried since I was a very small child.


	2. Chapter 2

Later that night, as I stared up at the canopy of my bed I waited until I was dead sure all my dormates where asleep. I knew there would be no sleeping for me tonight, I'd cried all afternoon until I hadn't any tears left. I had skipped dinner as well, telling Avery I wasn't feeling well that Potter had hit me with another hex after the whole ordeal with Lily and I was still recovering from it. He suggested maybe I go see Madam Pomfrey about it or that maybe he could go pay Potter a visit if I'd like for him to. I told him that neither would be necessary, I'd be fine in a little while. I also added as an afterthought that if I wasn't there once they all returned then I had gone to see Professor Slughorn about one of our Potions assignments, just so they wouldn't look for me when they came back. I had no desire to really be around any of them at the moment and wanted to speak to them as little as possible.

After I was sure they were all sleeping, I slowly crept out of the dorm and carefully out of the castle. It was risk being out this late at night, but I didn't care, I didn't possess an invisibility cloak like I've always suspected that precious Potter does but to most people here I'm invisible anyway so it wasn't likely anyone would notice me or even care. Besides, if I got caught by one of the Professors I'm sure I could make up some bull story that they'd believe. They were easy enough most of the time to fool, unless I happened to come across Dumbledore but I've never once ran into him on my late night strolls so why should tonight be any different?

I made my way down to the qudditch pitch, I didn't play although I had tried out, it was Black's fault that I had missed my goals during my try out anyway although no one would ever believe me about that. But still, even though I didn't play for Slytherin's team whenever something was bothering me coming out here late at night for a flight was the only thing that could clear my head sometimes. I could fly late into the night, far above the clouds, above the school grounds, above where all my problems lay. I was hoping for just such an escape this night. I enjoyed the feeling of the wind in my hair when I circled around the pitch; I flew higher up to where Hogwarts looked very small indeed as I replayed the day's events in my head.

Every time I thought about it, I felt like there was a vice tightening around my heart. I kept seeing her face, broken hearted and unbelieving at what I had done, it was killing me. For a moment I thought of actually intentionally falling off of the broom that was supporting me but couldn't bring myself to do it, which only made me more upset with myself than I had been beforehand. I was such a coward, it's no wonder Potter and Black find it so easy to be complete pricks to me, I'm such an easy target, I'm weak and they know it and I know it and Lily does too. It's why I've become "friends" with the likes of Avery, Mulciber and Malfoy. I'm too weak and too much of a coward to stand on my own two feet. Because of my weakness I've now lost Lily, the only person I've ever cared about. I wanted to scream, I hated everything. There must be a way to fix this I thought desperately to myself. I can't survive without her. All that I kept thinking throughout my whole flight above the grounds is that it could take my whole life to make this right. But I had to find a way, I just had to.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I am sorry, I have been trying to continue this for some time now but until now, every attempt to write another good chapter has failed. I finally, am happy to say that I am over my case of writer's block and do hope you enjoy this. I apologize once again to anyone who had been waiting for another chapter.

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My flight had helped clear my head somewhat, my heart was still as heavy as before and the future still looked just as bleak but at least I was no longer felt like crying. I returned unwillingly to the ground, everything just didn't seem as bad when I had been in the air, looking down on the school. Upon landing onto the qudditch pitch another wave of hopelessness washed over me. How in the world was I going to be able to fix this?

She has no idea what she means to me, she was my first friend ever, and my first and only love. I walked silently back up to the castle, not even bothering to try and stay in the shadows. Thinking over the past years that I had spent here right up to today's, well, yesterday's by now, fiasco I just couldn't believe it. This has all got to be a horrible dream; I had destroyed the only relationship that had ever mattered to me with just a simple sentence. I was going to have to find a more effective way to apologize, there had to be a way to fix this. There would never be anyone else in my life like Lily, there couldn't be, not only was she the first girl but also the last I realized sadly.

She was the last girl and the last reason to make my life meaningful, without Lily in my life I couldn't see any meaning, I pictured myself living out the rest of my life, just going through the daily motions until my passing. Or at least until I'm killed, I thought with a scoff, especially considering who I've been hanging out with lately, well, there's no way they'd; especially Malfoy, let me go quietly. Maybe that would be preferable though I thought, then at least it would save me from having all the more years that I would without her if I just died a natural death.

I know if I spoke of this to anyone, they'd tell me it was lunacy, that oh there are plenty of fish in the sea and I was young, that I have lots of time to find someone before I give up on the idea of romance completely. I'd find someone surely, that this was just teenage hormones or some other dribble. They would be so wrong however, so, so wrong. Lily is not like any other girl I've ever known, and besides, she's the only person who's ever wanted to be around me.

I'm not stupid; I see the looks I get from the rest of the female population here and around the town near where Lily and I live. I know what they think, I know they consider me beneath them, and that how I dress, speak, and act puts them off. Lily's the only one who ever cared to get past my harsh exterior. I've heard her friends talk to her about how creepy as they put it, that I am and they don't understand how she could even stand to be around me, much less want to.

I walked into the Great Hall, taking care to make sure my shoes didn't squeak on the floor from the dew out on the grass. As I walked I was flooded with memories of that first summer we met and then to last summer when we had had our first kiss. What a wonderful summer it had been.

Oh God, how am I going to be able to survive this summer and all the summers after? She lives in my neighborhood for pity's sake! I'm going to be tortured day in and out not only here but there as well. I wrenched open a door to one of the empty classrooms and sunk down to the floor on the other side of it. I buried my head in my hands as I thought of that day we kissed for the first time.

It was the first time I had ever felt properly connected to anything. I never believed in love, I was too realistic I had always told myself to believe something like that could exist. There simply was no way possible that it could, not for someone like me, but Lily; Lily had broken down all those barriers, all those beliefs. That day, when we had been alone in our little clearing talking and laughing as usual, in those moments leading up to the kiss; it was like feeling the massive weight of water surrounding us, in an invisible current, pulling us closer together. The kiss itself had been like a wave crashing down around me, that wave, that feeling, I knew then I was more head over heels for her than I had ever been before. I was gone, and I knew it, there was no turning back now. I had always loved her yes, but as soon as that kiss happened I knew there would never be anyone else for me, just her. Lily somehow, for whatever reason, had loved me back, she never thought I was unlovable; she forced me to look past everything I had ever learned.

I had grown up being told how I had ruined my mother's life and how much better off she would have been if I had never been born. It was my fault that she and I suffered the cruelty of my father's hand. I was worthless; her family never would have disowned her if she hadn't gotten pregnant with me by my disgusting muggle father. The horrible life we'd both had since that point had always been my fault. I had never been a wanted person.

But Lily had wanted me, and she had spent all her years at Hogwarts being ridiculed as well for standing by me and remaining my friend. No, she never got the worst of it, that always fell on me but she had always stood up for me when her friends would question her about her friendship with me. I can't speak for anyone else in Gryffindor but I would have to say that yes, Lily fits the bravery aspect that those in that house are supposed to possess.

If only I had been as brave, if only I hadn't been fearful of what would have happened if we had gone public with our relationship that had developed over the summer, maybe things would have gone better than what I thought. Maybe everyone is right, I pondered, maybe I am a coward. I looked down at my wristwatch; it was a little past three in the morning. Then, furiously I ripped it off my arm and threw it so hard that it hit the back wall of the classroom. I had forgotten that the watch had been a gift from Lily for my thirteenth birthday. One of few birthday presents I've ever received.

I made up my mind to be sure to talk to her again tomorrow. There must be a way to fix this, there just has to be. I rose up from my spot on the floor and walked out into the hall once more. I trudged down to the dungeons back to my common room; another late night successful stroll for Hogwart's most dispensable, most invisible student I thought as I entered the dormitory. Everyone was asleep naturally and I was glad, I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I climbed into bed and took out the picture of Lily and myself that I hid under my pillow.

She had gotten a camera the year before last for Christmas; I remembered how she had sat the self timer on it and balanced it on the fence post. We had spent a good portion of the following Boxing Day taking picture after picture because she 'wanted to make sure she got a good one that wasn't fuzzy' despite my pleas that I did not want to participate and not to blame me if I broke her new camera. We stayed out in the snowy yard until every bit of clothing we had on was soaked through, Lily's mother made us come inside and she gave us each a huge mug of hot chocolate.

In the picture naturally, it was not moving since the camera had been a gift from her parents and only developed muggle film; was Lily standing with one arm thrown around me, the other raised high into the air in triumph as we stood beside the snowman we had worked on all morning. Lily had declared it the most perfect looking snowman that we had ever built. There's snow falling all around us and I, for once, I actually was smiling.

Tears began to softly fall down my cheeks once more the longer I stared at the picture, I wished now I hadn't thrown the watch she gave me against the wall. I would talk to her again tomorrow, with everything we had been through; with as long as we had meant so much to each other, this just couldn't be the end. My last thoughts before finally falling asleep were of how she's the only person who's ever been able to make me smile.


End file.
